Becoming a Grandmother, Part Three

And this is the moment. The unexpected feeling of your heart filling up and overflowing with more love and joy than you ever thought it could hold. It is an unconditional love at first sight kind of thing- much like seeing our own babies for the first time. But these grand babies! they have such a powerful hold over us. A pull that is hard to explain sometimes, even to the grandfathers or to anyone for that matter. My husband thought I was losing my mind. And to some extent I guess I was. I completely and utterly gave myself over to this little being and I knew in that moment, as in all of the first moments seeing each grandchild, that as long as I was alive, I was going to be there for them. And most likely long after I am gone because love like this, the energy of it, well it never dies. I don’t feel at all alone in this. All I have to do is talk to another grandmother and then I feel as normal as can be.

Wow! Our children are having children. How did we get here so fast? I told my daughter as she was gazing at her new baby, “you know how much you love her? Remember you are loved like that, too”. It’s true. I told my son the very same thing when he and his wife became parents. I want them to know how deeply they are loved and how proud I am of them.

I think we look at our adult children and remember when they were born. We remember our hopes, and also our fears. We realize somewhere deep inside us, and perhaps we aren’t even aware we are doing this- that we think maybe we can get it exactly right this time. What parent doesn’t have some regret on how they parented their kids? I admit if I could turn back the clock I would have told my kids I loved them more often, read to them even more than I did, would never have raised my voice, been more patient, would have been there anytime they needed me instead of distracted by other things, and I would have cooked better meals. I would have tried harder even though I thought at the time I was doing my best. Perhaps at this stage we are wiser about ourselves. More honest. There is the benefit of 20/20 hindsight. We know when we were less than stellar in our performance as parents and when we fell short. We want to do it right this time. Just a theory…but I think this is why grandchildren can absolutely do no wrong. This is why grandparents don’t want to discipline the grand kids. We just want to love them and have fun.

And maybe you are the rare grandparent who has no regrets or insecurities about your own parenting skills. That being a grandparent is just less complicated. All the fun of being a parent with less responsibility. I give you that.

As our own adult children get older and as their little ones grow, something will happen to remind them of their own childhood. Something will trigger a memory. I hope it is a good one. But if not, perhaps they have decided that we didn’t do something right and they will do it differently. Kudos to that. I believe they are better at many things but they will make their own mistakes and they too, will fall short of their own expectations. But maybe they will also have more insight into what it might have been like for their parents- that we aren’t all that different in terms of being human. Humans with hopes, dreams, flaws, and good intentions (if we are lucky). This realization comes slowly and it takes years to understand. We understand it more at each stage of life. One day there will be compassion, understanding, and forgiveness for our shortcomings- if it is deserved .

I once asked a late friend of mine (I miss her dearly) if she had any advice about being a new grandparent and without hesitation she said, “Yes, keep your mouth shut and have a good time.” I remember being a bit taken aback but I know exactly what she meant. We can be there for our kids and grandchildren but being supportive of their families, respecting boundaries, and maybe not volunteering advice on anything unless we are asked, was a great tip. Sometimes I forget her advice and I don’t keep my mouth shut- this human is working on it. My son-in-law took this picture of the three of us. Three generations. I treasure this photo. It says it all.